Everyone has a right for cold feet, minutes, days before their wedding. Marriage as beautiful as it is, is a scary thing. Imagine committing in sharing your life with a total stranger, someone who is your total opposite or just the right fit, it doesn't matter, the fact that you are going to live with someone who can be anyone but the person you know and learned to love sure should give you goose bumps. I am not trying to scare anyone who is about to get married or change the mind of the ones who are. I am only writing down stuff that I have experienced and learned in the process. I've been married for more than a year now, some of my friends called it a hasty decision, some cried, some were happy I hope? If you have been an avid reader of my endless blogging, you should have an idea of what the first few steps of my marriage has been, happy and sad, glorious and frustrating, it's a mixture of things, needless to say, I am happy. However there are things that people don't realize about marriage until they are into one, as happy as I am, it can be exhausting at times, as most relationships are, however, I can say there is more weight to things that are happening and can happen now since you are tied to the promise and commitment and let's face it, the rollercoaster of this union.

True, I feel more secure now since he chose me over everyone else to be his partner for life, but there are things that I feel more strongly now than before, fear is a constant guest in my thoughts, blame it to the unfaithfuls who shattered my view of marriage, the women who just love to seduce married men, the ever BIG egoes of men that helps them cheat, or the "it's a guy thing" mentality of most men who just need to have a different variety of "things" every now and then.

Girls grow up thinking love is a fairytale, believe me, I still want to believe that, but when you have seen too much, heard enough,been through a lot more pain than necessary, it skews up your whole idea of love, marriage and relationships, trust becomes a foreign word. No matter what the effort of your partner is, it is so difficult to let your guard down, to leave it all to fate and hope he loves you enough to not do anything he knows will hurt you. That's when marriage becomes exhausting, when you are torn between believing and being careful. Between giving credit to his gestures and guarding yourself, between enjoying the moment and securing yourself, when does it stop? it doesn't I guess, it's not about the other having to do something more than he should, it's a self inflicted torture I confess, if there's a wife/girlfriend/partner out there who can say they trust their partner 100% without any doubt or the littlest fear of being deceived,cheated, lied at. Do us a favor. write a book. and please, get a publisher in Asia.

Beryl